Joke of the day....

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#1
OK ... everyone take a turn, I'll go first....

Q: What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
A: D'yathinkysaurus

Next!.....:D
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#2
I heard one yesterday about two nuns driving down route 66....
They were travelling around quite nicely when suddenly the devil appears on the front of the MotorHome....Spitting fire and brimstone and waving his trident around...

'Quick' says one nun to the other... show him your cross....

'Get your firey ass off the F*ckn bonnet' shouts the other!

:D
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#4
Failed another bloody job interview today and I thought I had done really well...

the woman said 'we can start you on £8 an hour increasing to £10 per hour after three months; when can you start?'

I said ' in three months!'
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#5
after the disappointment at the job interview I decided to go to my allotment this morning....
someone had put 2 inches of soil down on the ground for me, I have no idea who it was...
went back this afternoon and it had happened again, another two inches of soil.....

the plot thickens
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#6
I have a lovely wife from the Eastern block...
she is still struggling to come to terms with the English language though, when I got back from the allotment she said to me....

'me be going out with my friends this saturday night'.... I had to correct her.....

'No you're F*n not!' I said :D
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#8
I'm not sure if we should do anything other than 'non-potentially offensive to anyone' jokes...
But anyhow, as you started it...

A friend told me the Asian bloke next door was beating his wife....
seemed he used to punch her everyday at 7:30 on the dot!
 

BigMomma

Well-Known Member
#10
I'm not sure if we should do anything other than 'non-potentially offensive to anyone' jokes...
You raise a very good point ! So this is BM on a genuine serious note. I am not anti-feminist, racist, anti-gay etc. etc. and tell jokes about every subject under the sun. Those who read the many posts on here will know that we all take the 'proverbial' out of each other and it is done in a tongue in cheek fashion. HOWEVER, if my humour (or poor attempt at it) does, or has, offended anyone (forum members or guests to this site) then i most genuinely offer my most sincere apologies. :oops:
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#11
I loved Bernard Mannings humour and saw him a couple of times at the Embassy Club... He didn't single out any race or colour or creed, he made jokes about everyone!
 

Marilyn

Active Member
#12
You raise a very good point ! So this is BM on a genuine serious note. I am not anti-feminist, racist, anti-gay etc. etc. and tell jokes about every subject under the sun. Those who read the many posts on here will know that we all take the 'proverbial' out of each other and it is done in a tongue in cheek fashion. HOWEVER, if my humour (or poor attempt at it) does, or has, offended anyone (forum members or guests to this site) then i most genuinely offer my most sincere apologies. :oops:
Well! I have to admit to being just a little bit prudish (yes, honestly!) and, normally, really don't appreciate smutty jokes. In company I laugh with everyone else but always wish the joke teller wouldn't bother. I really do appreciate humour and love a good belly laugh but just can't really handle rude jokes as well as I should (silly old biddy:notworthy:).

However, even though my eyes might widen a bit BM and I might blush like fury, no one can actually see me blushing on here can they? and you've never offended me as I've always understood what you've said above to be the truth.
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#13
Well as the old adage goes for all of us... Those that can't stand the heat should get outta the kitchen.

Shame the governments dont take the same view for those coming to the UK that don't like our rules or culture!
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#14
So, back to jokes.... Who's gonna provide the next one?....
 

aikidoamigo

Well-Known Member
#16
Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want u to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat for 2 days, skip a day and so on for 2 weeks, u should lose 5lbs." When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. "Thats amazing the doc said"... Paddy nodded..."I'll tell u be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." "What from hunger said the doc?"...

....."No from the f*kn skippin!!"
 

BigMomma

Well-Known Member
#17
I loved Bernard Mannings humour and saw him a couple of times at the Embassy Club... He didn't single out any race or colour or creed, he made jokes about everyone!
I have a similar belief, no favouritism, anything and anyone is a game target. The art of good humour is to be able to laugh at yourself, I think John Bishop is quite good because he uses the everyday things we do and say and we laugh because sometimes we may relate to doing or saying some of them ourselves :thumb:
 

coolasluck

Well-Known Member
#18
Lets face it most of the good jokes are politically incorrect anyway,keep them coming unless someone spoils it all for us,but have to say most on this site seem decent sorts anyway so i would think it be ok..........

So stop trying to appologise BM:D
 

Pollik

Active Member
#19
BM makes a good point. I am not a prude (a counsellor cannot afford to be), but before I retired I did use to work with sections of the community who are often the butt of 'non PC' jokes. Over the years, I have lost three friends to suicide, a major cause of which seemed to be how society treated them.

Having said that, I don't 'do' PC. I think PC is for people who don't really understand respect. You can take the p*ss out of someone and still have respect, but the line between humour and offence can be very thin and very blurred. /shrug

So I will say thank you to BM for mentioning it, but I agree that anyone and anything is fair game...to a significant degree.



John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
 

coolasluck

Well-Known Member
#20
Its a funny thing,a freind of mine at work, was moaning the other day about how things are so p.c and banding about how rasism or un p.c comments towards whatever section of society was so easily not tolerated by some people.However,he complained,it did seem wholly acceptable to take the piss out of gingers:D and that no one seems to say a thing or bat an eyelid,i told him to stop moaning you ginger t**t:D
 

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